I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
