Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
