At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
