he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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