Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
