i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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