I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
