I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
