He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
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Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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