how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
