I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
