she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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