Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
is it fun? or sober?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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