I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
