so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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