Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
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I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.