Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!