I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
