I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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