Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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