I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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