don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
