new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
