remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.