Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
