alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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