threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
