A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottleâ€. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
