No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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