I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
