oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
well you can't waste a boner
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
