I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
