She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
