K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
