Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
