Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
