I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
