dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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