so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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