My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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