The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
