he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
