Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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