I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
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In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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