One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
