I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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