Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
