worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
