Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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