don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
