I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
