so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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