I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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