we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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