Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
