I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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