I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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