i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
