I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
