Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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